Laura's Life Hacks: Depression
Depression
Depression: If this isn't a word that describes half of my life so far, I don’t know what is. Having only come to know The Lord just over a year ago, I spent 24 years of my life with no true understanding of Jesus or what The Lord has done for me. I called myself an atheist and just to prove it, I got lyrics to a song that I related to at the time, tattooed on my ribs. It reads, “There is no God above me, no devil below me, no purgatory, no pearly gates.”
My sister became a Christian when she was 13 and I thought she had gone a little bit mad. She tried to tell me about The Lord but my heart wouldn't accept Him. I saw her change and saw her overcome habits and behaviours and I couldn’t see how it was humanly possible. I couldn't understand at the time nor did I want to understand. Its almost as though I was happy just allowing the darkness to fill my mind and heart, refusing to believe that anything would change. Change seemed difficult considering I hated myself and labelled myself abnormal, a loser, a weak and pathetic creature who had no motivation to change.
I couldn't go a day without hating a massive part of it with a passion. The hate was usually directed at myself and at the thought of tomorrow. After my stepfather died when I was 13, already suffering with panic attacks and feelings of anxiety, I began self-harming to ‘release my emotions’. This became a daily ritual and I rushed home from school to ensure that I endured enough pain in order to distract my mind from itself.
This was later picked up at school and reported, which led to my referral into the mental health services. This provided me with talking therapy and family counselling sessions which gave me temporary relief at the time.
Life went by, I began working and studying, though I had regular sickness due to anxiety and depression. I have many memories of crying hysterically in despair as I couldn't escape the thoughts going through my head. The same dark thoughts went round in my mind like a broken record, “You're ugly, fat, stupid, people don't like you, you are not good enough, why don't you just kill yourself?”
I began my career in Healthcare when I was 19 and loved it, though it did not change my outlook on my life or self image. I had ups and downs and started anti-depressants to try to tame the symptoms of my rollercoaster chatterbox. Eventually I was reviewed and given a diagnosis. Here is a copy of my care plan from January 2014:
I was taking an antidepressant in the morning and anti-psychotic at night. My sickness from work was terrible and I was known for being either really hyper or completely depressed. I lived with two girls who I worked with at the time and they both had the responsibility to remove any tools that I could use to harm myself. I would always manage to find something and my self-harming began to leave me with bigger and uglier scars. I used to call the crisis team, the Samaritans, text all the mental health services in the hope someone would have the cure to my sickness. My housemate would leave in the morning for work and find me in the same place as I was when she left, staring aimlessly at the wall. She begged for ideas on how to make me feel better and I just used to explain that I felt that I needed to be rescued. I felt like I needed someone to pick me up and take me away from myself.
Despite cognitive behavioural therapy and further counselling, I did not discover a way to stop this awful feeling. I accepted my diagnosis and lived with the understanding that I had an imbalance that couldn't be fixed without medication. My OCD traits left me having panic attacks when I couldn't perform tasks within my 3 second rule. The penalty for this, I was convinced, was that my Mother would be harmed or killed. This and superstition, also led my daily life, condemning my day often before I had even left the house or got dressed. I remember the fear I felt when I smashed a mirror! I cried like it was the end of the world, scared to leave the house in view of what 'bad luck' would meet me at the door. I had to salute every magpie, avoid open ladders and black cats and if I dared to step on three drains in a row, I had to spit on the last one! The panic associated with failure of these rituals was horrible, like you're awaiting the worst news of your life. Blood pressure building, thoughts circling and pulse racing-anxiety at its best.
In the November of 2014, I got offered an interview for a job that I applied for a month previously. It was a job in London, which was actually my worst nightmare as I was petrified of the idea of commuting or changing to a bigger unit. I didn't know why I felt to apply but I went along in the end and was offered the job. This enabled me to work sociable hours instead of the shifts I had been doing for 5 years. It gave me much more stability with sleeping patterns and a new area of work to focus on. Sadly my mental health got in the way and I began experiencing hallucinations and severe urges to self-harm and commit suicide. I had a feeling as though I was dying; aches and pains, migraines, nausea, no appetite, dizziness and extremely low mood. This could last anywhere between three days and three months. I would often switch from good to bad very quickly, leaving me exhausted. During the good episodes things were ok, life was bearable. I didn't feel so strongly that I wanted to die but I certainly had no hope for a future. Even when I did dream about what I could do in life, deep down I felt it was a waste of time.
I met my now partner, Paul, at my work place and during the time I was getting to know him, he began to tell me about his faith. I found it strange and interesting at the same time. He told me all about what God had done in his life and how grateful he was for the opportunities He had given him so far. The more we got to know each other the more this whole ‘God’ topic came up. For some reason it upset me; I felt overwhelmed by the idea of there actually being a God. In view of continuing to date him and to have some understanding of his faith, we agreed to go to church together one Sunday so that I could at least appreciate his beliefs. I had my response already planned out. I was going to say, ”Well I respect your views and appreciate your faith but it is not my thing.”
I enter this church, hear a man talk about Jesus and how much He loves me, despite my sins, despite my behaviour, despite my past, despite my body, my dress sense or abilities.........
I couldn't believe my ears and a strange feeling ran through my heart that I now recognise as an overwhelming peace. The seed that my sister had sown all those years ago began to spring up. I cried with joy, listening to the Good News that was being spoken into my ears!
I began to request going to church more often, feeding on this amazing story of Jesus and what He did so that I could live a life free from the things I had been chained to for years. I fell in love and I fell hard. After one month of going to church, I felt a strong desire to be baptised, which I did in January 2015. Giving my life to The Lord is the best decision I ever made. Paul's mother, Aileen, explained to me that I was set free from all of my old ways and began to gently introduce me into the basics of being Christian. It was like being a child again and learning things from scratch. I felt great! I was excited and pleased and in awe of The Lord. I was however, still confused as I was still experiencing horrible thoughts, despite being saved. I thought maybe my baptism hadn't worked! I had no understanding that I now had a brand new, born again spirit, but my body and soul remained the same. I just needed to renew my mind to what God's Word said to see the changes in them.
I began to understand that, unlike my tattoo states, there IS a God above me and there is also a devil below me. It was really important for me to read and study God's Word in order to gain understanding.
John 10:10 The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
It was a hard thing to hear, when at times I actually blamed God for the bad things that had happened. The more I delved into The Word and felt God's love, the more I understood that His desires are for us to be happy, healthy and have hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says The Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
I began to attend Aileen's church called Tree of Life, Dagenham. I fell in love with the teaching and I fell in love with the life skills that left me skipping out of church on a Sunday. I also fell in love with the people. Going to an amazing church feels like the best food you could ever eat for your spirit and soul. I was able to properly listen, learn, read and write. I found such peace in the Bible, gaining an understanding of Gods love for me and the price He paid to have a relationship with me. It opened my mind to think less about how I looked nothing like the other girls which in turn had me thanking God for spending the time handcrafting me and decorating me. I began to actually feel bad for offending myself and saying negative things. When I realised my worth to Jesus, all I could focus on was that unconditional love.
The time I spent entertaining these negative thoughts became less and less. I soon felt the desire to begin to reduce my anti-psychotic medication. I had already come off the anti-depressant by this time. I had always been anxious about this idea as the doctors and online forums filled me with dread about the withdrawal from this horrible drug. They explained that nausea, vomiting and migraines and other symptoms are common for up to 90 days post withdrawal. I wanted to be sensible and decided to reduce the dose, which worked well. I did this for a while, still anxious at the idea of being completely drug free and not being reliant on a pill to control my emotions and sleeping pattern.
One day I felt The Lord tell me that the time was now! I called my doctor and said I would like to stop the pill as I had tapered safely and over a long period of time. I spoke to a lovely Doctor that advised me that she is happy for me to now withdraw. The previous Doctor had told me that I must have been experiencing a ‘high’ and to try taking an EXTRA 50mg! Anyway, I was ready and excited - literally jumping around the house singing: “Through You, I can do anything, I can do all things. It is You who gives me strength, nothing is impossible!”. I believed it and received it. I spoke out God's Word to remind me of the strength and the authority that God gives me and tried to put into practice all that I had learned from church (which just so happened to be at the time, a 4 week series on how to deal with the devil constricting us! The Lord really equipped me with the best of His advice. He knew exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time).
So a week went by and I felt good with not many physical or emotional symptoms until that week ended. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness, anger, jealousy, insecurity and suicidal thoughts. The difference this time, as a Christian, was that I knew that It was the devil trying to use this as an opportunity to bring me back down to the dust where he could torment me. I felt so disappointed. I beat myself up for days. Then Sunday arrived and I dragged myself to church after The Lord woke me up and told my spirit not to sulk in bed all day, feeling sorry for myself.
I got to church and Ben, my Pastor began to tell the story from The Bible about when Jesus travelled to the region of Gerasenes where he met a terribly tormented man (The story can be read in Mark 5:1-20). He drove the evil spirit out of the man and by the time the people had gathered to see what all the commotion was about, the man who was previously naked and chained was now sitting fully clothed and sane. This story really spoke out to me. If this man who was so poorly before, possibly the most demon-possessed man in the Bible, was now sitting next to Jesus with a sound mind, why not me?
1 Peter 5:7-10 Casting the whole of your care on Him, for He cares for you affectionally and cares about you watchfully. Be well balanced, be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, rooms around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour. Withstand him; Be firm in faith, knowing that the same sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, The God of all grace, who had called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you who you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.
Ben said that he felt in his spirit that this was a message for someone in church who needed to be set free from depression and anxiety. I came down to the front of the church and Ben looked at me and said, “You will never be the same again.” His wife Amanda prayed with me and she kept speaking over me saying, “Do not give up. Jesus has not given up on you.” Ben and Amanda had no idea about my personal life or what I had been doing with my medication.
I felt a complete sense of peace wash over me. I felt my Spirit saying, “Do not worry, when you cannot come to Me, I will come to you.” Just as Jesus had done for the man in Gerasenes.
I felt as though I had just judo-chopped the devil right between the eyes! This strength sparked a new daily routine. I began to write down on my phone some positive declarations. In church we always take time to declare God's Word and positivity into our lives. Here are the personal ones I saved for that time, based on what we speak out at Church:
There is no place in my mind or body for sadness, anger, lies, anxiety, jealousy, insecurity or evil thoughts.
I am of sound mind.
I am the head and not the tail.
I am wonderfully and fearfully made by my God, my loving Father.
My Father God has a plan for me, a calling, a destiny.
I will find out what it is through my spirit and do it.
I am fit and well and have all the energy I need to carry out my destiny.
I am loved by God and my partner, family and friends.
I live a life free from the devil on the earth because the devil is already defeated.
I trample on the devil with the armour I have been given freely from God.
The devil has NO power over me or anyone in my life.
I overcome through Christ who strengthens me.
I will never feel like I did before.
I am healed of all sickness in my mind and body.
I am going to have a great day in the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
I change these declarations to suit the situation but this is an idea of the words that I speak out of my mouth.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death.
I do this every morning when I get ready. I speak it with authority, remembering all the things that The Lord has delivered me from. I could lay about crying all day for things to change, but I know the only person that can take responsibility is me. I have now made the decision that I NEVER want to feel the way I did before. I have NO reason to feel the way I did before. When you feel the devil trying to talk to you through your mind or situation, do just as Jesus did in Matthew 16:23. Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get behind me, satan!” Do not accept negative thoughts to linger in your mind. As soon as they come into your head say, “Get away devil! You have no place or power in my mind or body. I have the powerful spirit of Jesus Christ inside of me and you have already been defeated, so leave now!”
The most comforting thing for me is reading The Bible. The more I confessed 'the truth' and the less I spoke out the negatives in my mind, the more strength, peace and happiness I feel. Praise is another important part of my daily routine. I thank God for things that happen throughout the day and have replaced listening to secular songs on my train journey in the mornings, to worship music that remind me of Gods grace and love.
James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Reading The Word, being in church, hearing great teachings, spending time with The Lord and reading out my declarations have changed my life completely. For the first time in many years I am not medicated for my mental health. I have not been off sick with my mental health for over a year and I have not self-harmed since I came to know The Lord. I do not have any urges to commit suicide or self harm. I am completely changed and I no longer consider myself depressed, anxious, OCD, emotionally unstable or suffering with any form of eating disorder. I am set free! For the first time ever, I look forward to tomorrow and do not need to worry about the past. I have faith in God's plans for my life.
This is only one aspect of my life that He has transformed and each day my heart fills with new joy. I rest, knowing just how much God loves us all.
This is my most recent care plan displaying that I was discharged from the mental health unit who cared for me from the age of 13. I am now no longer having counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy, medicated therapy or consultant input. Jesus is my Consultant, my Counsellor, my Strength and my Peace.
